Strategic Tool
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YOU
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Loving, Caring for, Accepting and Growing Yourself
Strategic Tool ...
YOU
Expectations
Expectations: Don't let your inner-perfectionist
steal from your magnificent experience . . .
Some of the most amazing teaching moms I know get robbed often by the difference between their expectations (which are beautifully and empoweringly high) and what actually happens in their home.
But it is in these types of discrepancies that I find I love homeschooling most. It is such a strange and bizarrely gracious journey. It is NOT a cruel tight rope walk. You are not going to fall off. Learning will happen. Pursue it. Delight in it. Perhaps something that you want to see happen quite often doesn't occur as frequently as you wish; maybe only once a week or once a month or, even, once a year - but remember time is your friend - the experiences are adding up. This is the truly fun part - meaningful moments are remembered. And they belong to our children forever. They will have very happy memories, day by day, with people who truly know and love them. Memories made and maintained are woven into the tapestry of a precious story that is deeply gracious...
Beautiful Realities Lived
In the very places of our vulnerable humanity, where we try but things aren't optimal, I often see the magic and mystery of homeschooling showing up most ... in all the things you get right simply because you were spending time together, learning together, failing together, starting over together, putting a best-foot-forward-once-again together, throwing away what truly isn't working (which is NOT the same thing as jumping from partially completed thing to partially completed thing - sometimes it is truly best to stick through an unloved book just to say you did). Rather, I am speaking of those true 'good riddance' moments when the light goes on and you realize some amazing advice is not working in your home and you let it go - with a smile, no less.
Daily take time to celebrate your journey. Life is being lived in your home:)
Strategic Tool ...
YOU
Set Yourself Up to Succeed
Positive Vision... And Resources... And Heroes...
This kind of learning and laughing together takes a positive vision. A commitment as it were. To your own dreams and hopes for your life as a family. Proactively taking time to think through the big picture, broad strokes of what you are wanting it all to look like. What are the agendas in your heart of which you are not yet aware? Articulate some of that unarticulated magnificent you by bringing to clarity some of your assumptions. Then these assumptions can't surprise you. Nor mystify you. Nor, unwittingly, undermine you. Know your heart and know what it is Wanting. Imagining. Seeing.
Then think about what it might all look like. How might you put it together? What do you definitely need to make it all happen?
The vision can truly be exceptional (ex = out; cept = taken/given. out of the given - not predictable; different than the rest). There are myriad patterns for homeschooling. Working around and through a variety of circumstances. Different ways of positively visioning how to homeschool : moms and dads collaborating together to accommodate busy schedules and two-person working lives. Kids learning as they go to work with mom or dad. Different friends teaching different classes. Moms making sure they get meaningful time away.
The main point is for you to bring some clarity to your own "Big Picture" personal vision for home-schooling. (As above, here is information about "Big Picture" vision clarifying.)
This then should be followed by a discussion regarding pedagogy. How it is that you want to approach the day to day event of teaching. Bringing clarity to your thoughts is beneficial to your peace of mind in a post-modern context in which there is no such thing, whatsoever, as ordinary. Therefore, let yourself know the unarticulated "ordinaries" your heart might be imagining.
Homeschooling need not be precise, but it does need to be valued highly. Not an after-thought. I can think of no better way to be intentionally and, therefore, meaningfully co-creating the lives of those we greatly love - especially as they mature and start putting their own more complicated pieces of life together.
Know your resources. Know your needs. And persist. (I dare say, the very nature of your care has you succeeding.)
An initial checklist as you get started homeschooling.
Proverbs Fifteen
Plans go wrong for lack of advice;
but many advisers bring success
Also, as you take care of YOU. Find heroes. Have many. I truly know mine are God-Sends. Women with a passion and a vision for the parenting process that I am always humbled by, challenged by, encouraged by, empowered by, and instructed by. I have watched the greats - mothers that were constantly expanding a meaningful more. And I don't mean an exhausted, stressed out more. I am not drawn toward that. I mean establishing a love for learning that reflects their own particular style - pedagogy; and from which they took their loaves and fishes and fed a multitude of needs in their home and the homes of others. ....
Strategic Tool ...
YOU
Self-aware and Growing, Specifically, as a Parent
Intentionally Grow Yourself as a Parent . . .
(Don't be reduced solely to teacher in your child's life)
And Be Self Aware . . . It Gets Easy to Become a Dictator
(for some of us)
As children grow and differentiate from their parents, the parents or a parent can often feel deeply connected and truly familiar with their child to a degree that the child does not share. They might not feel as well-known or understood by their parent as the parent feels they are. I have frequently witnessed that children, some time around eight, start becoming self-conscious of their parents not fully understanding them; and if there is not enough genuine, relevant relationship with their parent/s, they start screening the 'self' that they present to mom or dad to meet the parents' assumptions. They often feel that they are "protecting" their parents from parts of themselves or their life that they do not feel like their parent/s would understand.
Of course, the differentiation process is a healthy and important one. But problematic, is how soon children are in situations that are stressful and over their heads. Conversations and banter that leave them disturbed or insecure. Things that confuse them and they are not quite ready to process. This, like all things, has much to do with the personality of the child. Some children are less affected by strange occurrences. Others will find such moments to be defining. (Discussions on inoculating and Generations of Virtue).
Homeschooling helps avoid these tensions for children in that children and parent spend so much more time together. The avoidance of such relational discrepancy is on my list of Top Ten Things I Like about Homeschooling. The organic interaction of life, living and learning; tends to reduce the tendency of a young child's journey feeling disconnected, awkward and isolated in painful confusion from their parents.
But ocer-presumption is, also, not a friend and, sometimes, the homeschooling journey can leave children feeling disempowered if the family is not growing in a healthy manner. The very strength of much time spent together, can foster negative dynamics that can become exasperated by the fact that the child or children have no escape from their parents. A highly controlling parent can render a child feeling absolutely powerless.
Overly "I know who you are" parents can be deeply damaging. No one knows who we are more than we know ourselves. And we have an imperative right to proclaim that reality. I remember one time when my eldest was seven and she was heading out the door to play with a neighbor. She was in the midst of stating something emphatic about herself that I did not agree with. I, remember it so well. At seven, as a parent we, in some ways, have a firmer grip on parts of who are child is, in that their remembered self-awareness is fairly recent. I knew her clearly and objectively at birth, nine months, fifteen months, thirty-six months, etc. Her range of self knowledge actually started a few years later than mine. But there I stood, and at that moment, I had this overwhelming awareness that she was right. True, some of my perspective knew things that she knew not. But her story was to be hers - and not mine. And I needed to accommodate her sense of self, and never be at war with her sense of self. Even when I strongly disagreed. She gets to write her story. I get to celebrate and support her; and of course, at times raise some additional perspectives. But I don't get to say "I know you better than you know or experience yourself."
This probably tells you much about me. But over the years, I have seen families in which a child is constantly having to fight for their narrative. The parts of them that are seemingly unwelcomed or undervalued. (The little girl in the novel The Help was an extremely painful example of such rejection. More likely today, we are fighting for freedom for our children with a whole lot of projection and fear thrown in, blinding our lens. Fear and Projection and being unable or un-willing to share emotional perspective/interpretation is not a good thing.)
No one purposely aims for this. But sometimes it happens. And due to the deeply proxemic nature of homeschooling, it is worth being aware of.
Which leads me to a sister-point in terms of self-care and being the person you want to be ...
Grow yourself as a parent
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Books for Mothers |
Life becomes very busy and for some of us (but NOT all - there are many moms continuously pursuing helpful parental insights); but some of us quit proactively growing our parenting skills after several years of parenting. Then, perhaps, a problem comes our way and we might look for resources. But there is much helpful, encouraging, inspiring advice out there to encourage, clarify and complement our parenting style. And by taking time to select a book, we are broadening the many bits of interesting information that we happen upon in our parental journey.
A genuinely worthy pursuit is to commit to Read a Book on parenting once a year. Or maybe twice. Be decisive about this. Make it your annual Mother's Day gift to your self. In Eighteen years you will read at least eighteen books about a matter that you care deeply about and you will be building a culture of good parenting that your own children will pass on to the generations that follow.
You can check out some Recommended Books for Moms to Read. They are varied. and some may surprise you -- but I think the world is yearning for holistic, relational experts and it is good for us to proactively be ready to face whatever challenges might come our parenting way.
Strategic Tool ...
YOU
Self-Nurturing
Nurture the Person you are becoming:
Love yourself ... Grow yourself ... Express yourself ...
Everyone says it. We all know it. But what might that look like? Here is the thing. Some people self-nurture naturally. They know what they need. What they want. What they enjoy.
Others of us don't.
Some important thoughts: Home schooling can at times be a deeply sacrificial endeavor. But that should not always be the case. And not everyone would experience it that way. I've watched seemingly magical journeys in which the entire family is flourishing. But I have, also, known moms for whom the journey seemed often bewildering - too often a tight-rope walk in the midst of myriad conflicting needs and expectations. In the latter scenario, joy can often be lost. A personal sense of purpose as well. You are important. The you you are becoming, is preciously important. In the words of a long ago television show, "This is Your Life."
Therefore, pursue your passions. Commit to self-care; even if you do not think you need it. Stay mindful and proactive in terms of the person that you are becoming.
Spanish has a lovely expression. Poco a poco. Little by little. Know the things you love and keep growing in them. Even if the increments of growth are seemingly miniscule. Have things you Practice. Memorize. Study. Do. Know your dreams. Even if others might not see them as such. This is your life. And the proper care and nurturing of you is especially important.
Write down what it is that you are doing for yourself. I would not recommend discussing it endlessly around the family. (I have often seen this and do not think it empowers the family nor the parent). Rather, just do it. Pick a what. Pick a where. And pick a when. Make sure it is happening at least once every other week. I knew of a woman who studied Cabaret singing while home schooling. For me, it was keeping up with foreign films (something that living in LA made easy to do) and studying theology academically. I took time for these things and they still bring me great joy.
I remember Dr. Dobson years ago talking about keeping an eye on the person you will be after you are no longer a mother with children at home. Some husbands are able to help this vision of self-flourishing he said. Others not so much.
Either way, grow your talents. Make sure you are doing things you love in the midst of your homeschooling journey. Mirror self-love, even if it is not familiar. Approach it as an essential part of your long term well-being. Don't let a commitment to yourself leave you.
Regret is a very sneaky character that we do not always see coming. We think, "I am content." "I am doing things that I consider to be very important." And they are. But make sure you are, also, involved in the very important event of your own personhood. Mastery is not something you want to wake up at fifty without. But it is not a specified mastery. It is simply mastery that makes your heart sing and brings a smile to you. It can always be something very homey. Decorating. Cooking. It can be a business that you grow slowly over the years. It can be a craft or some other type of art. Acting. Singing. Mime. Wood-working. Welding. Tae Kwon Do. What have you. But whatever it is, it MUST bring you great joy and say to you - "you are truly important and worthy of this time." :)
Strategic Tool ...
YOU
More Self-Love in the form of Self-Care
Health:
Exercise . . . Nutrition . . . Skin Care . . .
Exercise --
Please do not think - "because I can still run two miles" or "hold the position" that you need not exercise. Such a perspective is terribly in error and will keep your body from receiving the daily love and oxygen and vibrant health that only a lifestyle of exercise can deliver.
DAILY SUSTAINED EXERCISE means that you are building a different and better trajectory toward end of life for your self. It is hard to believe how beneficial and important daily enjoying your physical self truly is.
Find something that works for you. I get bored easily and have to change up the way I get daily exercise often. There are some really excellence tools out there.
Feeling shy? Youtube has some wonderfully helpful folk to follow. Just beginning - go slow. In great shape? Stay that way.
Now is the time to establish a life of exercise. Do it for your future brain. Your future strength. Your future balance. The beautiful future stages of your family that are not here yet. There are simply so very, very many reasons why it is essential that you challenge yourself to love yourself and your future aging journey in this way.
And YES, weights are really important. They change the way we age.
Exercise CHANGES the way in which your cells age! You can read more here.
Skin Care --
Another game changer future forward in your thirties. Love your skin. Feed it. Find a way to afford it.
Who you are in the thirties has so much to do with who you will be in your eighties and forward.
Strategic Tool ....
You - Part F
Food ....
Strategic Tool ...
You - Part G
Stay in love with the man you married ...
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